A look into my life " Sharing the dark parts"

 

    So I have not shared much about my life with many people. I have kept my past pretty vague, but I need to get this out into the universe, out of my head, out of my soul. Let us start at the beginning, roll back the hands of time to about 5th grade ( because that is when my memories of sadness begin). I remember always being bigger than all the other kids in my grade. I was always chubby, but I was a happy child. I loved life and people.

     Memories of my youth are quite tattered and faded like a pair of old blue jeans. I remember the playground and kids calling me a blimp. I remember also running and kids yelling earthquake. I never once thought about looking different than the other children around me. I never once thought there was anything wrong with me. I was happy and I loved myself. Then it all continued from there, from that point forward my life would be forever changed. The bullying continued on through Highschool, I remember being so depressed that I turned to food as a comfort, But that only made my life worse. I believed I would never be that beautiful girl that guys liked so I did not care about myself anymore. I was embarrassed in PE for not being able to keep up with the other kids in my classes. I was always slow but always loved being active and playing sports. I hated school, but I did not hate the people who made fun of me because I believed them, I believed I was worthless and ugly.

    I loved dance class when I was young but always took the bluntness of my dance teacher about how I was a bigger dancer. My weight has been an issue my whole life. It has held me back from enjoying my life and from living it to its fullest. I always put myself in the background to hide. the only time I could forget about my looks and being the fat cow was when  I was on stage singing. To this day I still have fears of myself and of who I really am. Do I even know who I am?

  

   I have gone through life not wanting to be a burden to the people around me anymore. I wanted this life to end, for the torment to end, for the bullying to end. I inflicted pain on myself to feel something and punish myself for being a burden to the world and taking up space. I fear that those thoughts will win sometimes, but I fight like hell.

 

     I am 38 never been in a relationship and have never well been with a guy either. I always dreamed that I would find my other half, marry, and have a family but as I turned 38 I realize that may never happen. I have come to accept that maybe it just won't be in the cards for me. I have found that every guy that I got along with, shared adventures with, and fell in love with always found a way to remind me that I was not good enough, not pretty enough, and not dateable.

     Let me share a story for those who don't know in 2009 there was a guy who was a great friend. I thought he liked me and said all the right things. It was not until one late night of hanging out that he showed his true face. The monster he hid underneath a fake mask. We had some drinks, I do not drink usually but he insisted. Things happened and when I was sober I wanted to leave, but he had taken my purse and all my stuff so I couldn't leave. I tried to get by him to go get my stuff but he threw me against the wall his nails digging into my arm and hitting me in the ribs. I ended up finally getting my stuff and leaving, but not before having a baseball-sized bruise on my arm and 2 bruised ribs. I never did anything about it, He made me believe that I deserved it, I was asking for it, and I truly did believe that I had no self-esteem, no self-worth I was nothing so I did nothing. I live with the fear of seeing him again. This event took a toll on my life a burden I have carried like a thousand pounds on my shoulders.

     I still carry a hatred for myself but I am slowly learning to love myself again. I have had so many guys whom I have liked just run away from my life. I know why and I understand I just dream of one day being pretty enough that a guy won't run away. My biggest fear is being alone. I have not shared this part of the story with many people outside my family.

   

 On August 18th, 2022 I went in for surgery. I had gastric sleeve surgery, I needed my health, and wanted to live to see my niece grow up. I am 6 months post-op and have seen a significant difference in my hormones, and weight. I am down about 120 lbs so far. I have been more active and am keeping a more positive attitude. It has not been easy. Anyone who says surgery for weight loss is the easy way out is so wrong! It has been a battle but one that I am winning. My health is great and I hope to make more strides to bring my mental health to an even more positive state. I have come a long way in the last 6 months and doing a lot of healing physically and mentally. I struggle every day with looking in the mirror and recognizing the hard work I have put in. I have my bad days but they are not nearly as bad. My thoughts of not wanting to be here have all but vanished into thoughts of being able to be happy and finding a way to survive and thrive.

  

    Every day gets better, and every day gets easier. I may never get rid of all of these memories and past hurts, BUT, I will learn to accept them as part of me and move to a brighter future. These past experiences are all a part of me. A part of the kind, caring, over-loving, and empathetic soul that I am. These are all the dark, light, heavy, and soft pieces that make up who I am.